Friday, march 20, 2020
Ok, so it’s been officially been 10 days that I personally have been out of work and in quarantine. Tony got back in town on Sunday. Prior to his return, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on things that I could cook. When he got back, we went shopping together for more things that I maybe didn’t think of, or that he wanted. He really stepped up his game quite a bit in a provider aspect. I was super turned on by this, no doubt. There is nothing sexier to me than a MAN who wants to protect and provide. MEOW!
Anyway, through the days we’ve been trying to keep busy by playing board games, reading, watching a movie together at night and of course the dreaded HOMESCHOOLING. (Stay tuned for an entire diary entry on that)
So yesterday I went through an entire rollercoaster of emotion. I woke up in a great mood…found myself sobbing at Gal Gadot’s post with all the celebrities singing “imagine”…then shortly after, found myself SUPER pissed off. Like whooooooaaaaaaa Angel. Wtf is up with you right now? Then I remembered that I had taken a plan B pill with dinner the night before and a diet pill that morning. So although these feelings were real, I’m currently hyper sensitive. (Just keep that in the back of your mind while I spill the rest of this tea)
Here’s the deal. Although I may seem to come off really confident, I am extremely insecure in many ways. I have to constantly work on these things. Its a daily struggle. Some days are better than others, and yesterday was particularly rough. I went into this quarantine with as positive of an attitude as anyone could. I was like YES! (Napoleon Dynamite voice) I get to spend some quality time with my son, and fiancé. We’re all gonna bond and be a closer family because of this. I was excited to have a lot of sex, but the reality of it is, I’m already losing my shit over making Roman do schoolwork, and Tony hasn’t touched me one time. AND on top of that, he and his ex wife are posting about Gavin walking a high wire…something that is ex wife’s family famously does. At this point I’m having a meltdown and literally want to yell “JUST GO QUARANTINE WITH YOUR FUCKING WIFE AND KID” because clearly you don’t even like me, and would rather be out walking a fucking tightrope with them. BYEEE!!!!! So mad! Like even writing that made me mad! Lol **RESET** I’m back. (For the record I have very good reason to feel this way which you all can read about in my tell all that I’m currently writing) On top of all of this, I keep making the mistake of reading a bunch of different things on social media. Idk what is true and what isn’t. Then I found out a bunch of people from work have tested positive. I’m not sure I was around any of them, but I was for sure around my parents since I may have been around them, so now I’m freaking out even harder! Like major meltdown!!! I had to take a long hot shower and say some serious prayers. I was spiraling fast and I can’t. I have to be strong for Roman right now and hold shit down. So crying in my bathroom with a cold Coors light was the answer.
As I sat there, I had my music on shuffle and the song “Some Things Never Change” from Frozen II came on. As crazy as this sounds, that song really hit me. YES, A DISNEY PRINCESS SOUNDTRACK!!! If you have a chance, turn on that song, but actually listen to the words! Everything around them changes, the wind gets colder, they get older, and there are some things that they can’t change or fix, but SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE, like the feel of Roman’s hand in mine, my love for him, his love for me. “These days are precious, can’t let them slip away” GUYS!!! in this time of crisis, there are some things we can change and some things we absolutely cannot. I cannot control what is happening In the world, I cannot control how Tony feels or doesn’t feel, but what I can control is how I spend my time right now. The attitude I have during this madness. I’m choosing to focus on the things that can NEVER change. I am guilty of being so wrapped up in things of the world, that I forget how important the little things are. I am so thankful for the unconditional things in my life, and I’m even more thankful for my shuffle slapping me with some reality! So I urge you today to find your certainty in this madness and HOLD ON TIGHT!!!!
Till next tea party…
XX
AP
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