yo…
Blended families are soooo much harder than they ever warn you will be. Steven Spielberg could write an award winning motion picture about how fffked up my situation is. This is probably not something I should be talking about outside of my therapists office, but honestly if someone would have offered me advice or insight about how it really was, I would have wanted it. So I’m offering it to those who are maybe new to the scene and not sure how they are going to get through it or if they will at all. I always feel so alone because social media has made it so that we can make it look like our lives are perfect and like we have our shit together, but its all smoke and mirrors. So heres the deal…
I have a son, Roman (9 years old) and my boyfriend also has a son, Gavin (7 years old). My bf And I have been together for 7 years, so you would think that things would start together easier, right? WRONG! Shit gets harder every day! I know that for some people, it just works. Its easy, and aside from normal struggles they are killing the game. We are so far from being that family, or even a family at all a lot of the time. It actually breaks my heart to say it out loud. Thats all I’ve wanted from the beginning, but there are some things in a relationship that will prevent you from ever making it. Views on how to parent your children is one of them.
I grew up in a Christian home, going to a private Christian school with both of my parents and my older brother. My brother and I played sports, were both student body president (him in 2001 and me in 2007), weren’t allowed phone or tv on school nights until all of our homework was finished, checked, and we were quizzed if we had a test the next day. We had strict rules and expectations and if we didn’t follow or meet them, we had consequences.
My boyfriend grew up traveling the world with Ringling Brothers. (Yes, literally grew up in the circus.) He and his family would train all the time and perform in different cities. Which is so dope, but just very different from me. So naturally we are raising our children differently. Which is fine if we were living in two different homes and not in a relationship. Buuuuuuut thats not the case. We live together and Gavin isn’t growing up in the circus, he’s growing up in a normal world just like Roman. All of this is just the tip of the iceberg to our issues. It has caused quite a bit of problems at times…to say they very least!
And can we talk about being a STEP PARENT?????
Gavin has both of his parents. His mom, to whom, I don't exist or matter, even tho I technically am raising her child part time and would do more to parent if allowed, and a dad, who is with him every second that the mom will allow (which is whenever Tony wants). So I’m just the #BonusParent, who, is constantly tiptoeing around the boundaries of my bf and his baby mama, trying to "parent" Gavin in my house, without crossing any lines. But, as you can imagine, since i'm not included in any communication between the two of them, everything is extra difficult no matter how hard I try. Roman, however, doesn’t know his dad. Never has, never will. He couldn’t pick his dad out of a line of randoms, and it’s absolutely for the best. Since there is no other parental figure, its easy for my bf to be a father figure. (Or you would think anyway) WHY IS IT SO HARD??? BLACK AND WHITE. FAMILY OR NOT.
So this is my advice for anyone who is dealing with anything similar and doesn’t know how to maybe make it better. First, it is Biblical that the order of importance of beings in your life is to be God, then your spouse, then your children. If your relationship with your partner Is happy and healthy, then everything else, ie: your children, will be happy and healthy. Second, make it CRYSTAL CLEAR from the very start that you are to be respected as a parental figure whether you’re just extra or not. Third, if you plan on being a family, like this is the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, then BE A FAMILY!!! You guys as adults are the team. Not one parent with their kid and the other with theirs. Rules are to be followed by both children, and they will treat each other and BOTH adults with love and respect.
End. Rant.
I’m about a year late. But had to say.. This was music to my ears (or eyes really). I’m engaged to an older man with 3 kids from his first marriage. Although I have no kids of my own, I felt like I was reading my own inner monologue with this blog. I was raised in a much different environment than these ‘step kids to be’ are being raised in. Mine was much like yours. It’s damn hard!! It seems like my fiancé and I are a perfect fit in all areas aside from the kids. We’ve actually nearly split over these issues related to the kids or their highly interfering (in a negative way) mother before. It’s not a…
Thanks for sharing this Angel and for being so honest. I grew up in a blended family and yes, it can be very challenging at times. Even though I'm 34 and married, it's still difficult! My half siblings are treated so much better than myself and my siblings. That never seems to get easier. I think if you show your children the same love and kindness, you can't go wrong.