I went back and forth about 600 times and then 600 more about whether or not I was going to write this post. I don’t want to upset anyone but I also don’t really feel like I shouldn’t be able to share what I want, so I decided that I don’t care.
As you all know, I’m in a relationship with someone who has a child from a previous marriage. Nothing about this has been easy. Some things for obvious reasons, and others for reasons that I honestly still am unsure of. When I hear the word “family” I automatically think of mine. My mom, dad, and brother. I think of the dynamic that was our house growing up, and honestly that is all I want in life. A home full of laughter, love, discipline, support, a healthy amount of sibling fights, but most important memories that will stay with us all forever. Sounds really easy and like something that everyone with a family should want. But for some reason we just can’t seem to get that to work. I have my son, who’s father isn’t and never will be around, and he has his son who has both a mom and a dad who love him very much. As an adult who’s role is “bonus parent” I’m not exactly sure where I fit in. There are a lot of really thin lines that can’t be crossed and a lot of learning where boundaries are. Something I’ve been willing, longing even, to do since day one. Unfortunately I’ve been very much kept an outsider. I’m only allowed to be involved in very little (if any) things when it come to him. I try my best to be as understanding as possible, but a girl can only handle so much...especially after almost 9 years. At what point will I be included? At what point will I be looked at as a bonus parent and not just Angel, Roman’s mom? I’ve come to grips with the fact that this honestly might not ever happen. I distance myself even more because trying over and over and over only to never succeed is one of the most draining things mentally and emotionally for me.
I had a minor breakdown about it yesterday, so I called my mom and my mom told me “Angel, you have to pour your love into that little boy every chance you get. It’s not his fault. None of this is. He deserves your love and not you to stop loving him because you’re given a limit on how much you’re allowed to.” Naturally I cried even harder, feeling guilty that I even thought about it. This is no easy task, and while I’m aware that things aren’t going to change tomorrow or probably even this year, I can’t stop loving this kid. I was finally at peace and felt like God was telling me to chill because He’s not going to let this little boy forget anything I do for him or how I make him feel. So today, his birthday, Roman ditched school and he and I went to his class to make him feel extra special and full of love because at the end of the day, these kids are all that matters. Moments like these make up the feelings they hold on to forever...the stories they tell their kids, and all I want is to be remembered as someone who loved even when they weren’t allowed. No I don’t want a gold star, and honestly I hate that I even made this post about me, but I needed to get this out for a few reasons. One because it’s been eating me alive, and two I know several blended families that maybe needed some encouragement and a little reminder that LOVE is unconditional. When it’s hard, love harder. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAVIN!! Thank you for teaching me this lesson today. It’s one I will never forget!
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